another day long since the last

Why I ever stoped writing I don't know. I haven't even read over the ones that I have wrote to see what I have written. I know one day I will write a book about my life and all that has happend in it. I really don't know who would read it, but I don't think that it would be for them... it would be more for me. You see I know I have a memory problem. No its not like I can't find my keys... though I do that too. Its more like I climbed a mountain in Korea with some friends and I don't remember it all. I know now I did do it cause a friend that I don't remember from Korea had a pic. of us all on top of that mountain.

Anyway, I know it has been a long time since I last wrote so a quick some up. I moved in with my friend Debbie. My ex-husband's bother divorced his wife at the same time my ex was divorcing me... She (Shannon) introduced me to Debbie. Between the two the saved my life. I had no job, no money and no way to take care of myself. Deddie let me live with her for 6 months and took care of me the whole time. Never asked a thing from me. She is a great woman.

I then met a guy..Erin (yes the spelling is right). A really nice guy. Things were odd though. He liked GI Joe, and comic books. But he had a great job and in his own way he seemed to really care for me. We became a couple. Sex was not that great, and truely became a bit of an issue. I tried to talk to him about it, how we could get a little help... but he never really tried. So we just don't have sex at all now... it has been over 7 months. I mintion it cause I know it is odd... but I really don't think I could find a man that only wanted it when I did. Most men want sex every week.... I am more like a couple times a month. And I am very picky... I never want to feel pressured, and I feel pressure very easily. Too easily. I don't know why.

The day he told me he loved me I was shocked... I really didn't know how to respond. I know I later told him I loveed him too, but I am not sure what kind of love I feel for him. We have been together for over a year and a half and I still don't feel the way I did with the other men I have loved. I am content in our relationship, but I don't feel like I can talk to him like a true friend or lover. I know it will not, should not last forever. But I will not do anything to change it cause I know I can't afford to make changes.

There are a few people that know how I feel, but what can they say. I make my bed. I sleep in it. We do things that make me happy. Once he took me to Macinaw Island. I had always wanted to go there. It was great. He took me to Chicago. That was a lot of fun as well. In December we are going on a Cruise with the Girls. Well I say the "Girls", but what I really mean is Chrissy for sure. Mickaela is another story.

You see around Mother's day This year Mickaela and I started disagreeing on a lot of stuff. She would fight with me on anything that had to do with her father. She was always trying to get involved with Mike and my bussiness, when she should have staied out. But Mike told her his side of each story and to her it just made me look worse. So he still says he was always helping me but he was just trouble. and my pride didn't help. And Lord forbid if his new wife got involved she was pure poison. So Mickaela stoped talking to me. And Nana, Mike's mom got very sick.

At first we thought she would loose her whole leg. Then it turned around and she only lost her big toe. But after she was in the hospital she couldn't get completely better. I talked dad and her to have her transprted to my place of work where they could give her good care and rehab. It was a great idea. but every time she was there she would be there for a couple days and then she would get sick again... back to the hospital. Back and forth she went about 4 or 5 times... the last time we knew it.... she wan't going to make it. Mike and I had a long talk and he said that he wouldn't keep me from seeing her at home.

As soon as he got to talk to his wife he said I could only come on certain days. Then it was only at certain hours. Before you knew it I really shouldn't or couldn't come at all. I did get to go by one time, and they all made things very uncomfortable for me. But I got to see mom before she pasted. I miss her so much. Rather I am going by a place that we used to go by often or I watch Survivor on TV, or maybe it is the food I feel I will never be able to eat again... I miss her so much.

so anyway.... I didn't talk to Mickaela all summer. The only times she said a workd to me was from behind a door and she was telling me to leave her and her family alone. I was heart broken. Really. I got paperwork for a change of child support and I figured I would have to hire a lawyer to get me though it, so I might as well take care of a few other things too. I need to be able to see Mickaela too... rather she wanted to or not. There was no sign that she would ever talk to me again. I would have to force it a bit.

Just after meeting with the lawyer and telling her what I want, but before anything started... Mickaela started talking to me again. After talking with her a bit I had to tell her the truth of what was coming. I didn't want to; I knew what would happen. And it did. As soon as I told her that I had talk to a lawyer, she told me again that she didn't want to ever talk to me again. I was so upset. I don't even know how to explain how it felt. To have her taken aways from me for so long then to just get a taste of her back to just have it taken away again.... it was horraible. I miss her so much.

Now her father and I have gone to court and I think that I have learned to swallow my pride... Mickaela spoke with me the other day and it was nice. I hope we can keep it going. I am making sure that she has a passport to go on the cruise in case she decides that she wants to go. But I will not be surprised if she doesn't come. Really I would be surprised it she does. Happy, but surprised.

Then I have a mix of feelings about her coming. If she comes... I don't want her to get mad at me. I want to give her plenty of space... but of corse I have to know where she is so I can know she is safe. I guess if she decides to go I will have her and I sit in front of her father and get an understanding down.

well I have to get going.