Going Gluten Free

Jan 7, 2013

   Well I have decided that I need to try to go gluten free. So I thought that I would blog about how I'm doing. Breakfast was easy. Rice Chex and Almond milk. I really couldn't figure out what to do for lunch so I ate some sunflower seeds and a water. but dinner was a bigger deal cause I have to make sure I feed the man too.
   So I got some recipes from allrecipes. I like this app because I can pick the recipe and tell it to make a shopping list for me. I love that. I made the Tossed Romaine and Orange Salad submitted by Pam Somers. I didn't read the reviews first but I did go back after. I liked this salad, but the dressing I felt had too much pepper. Erin said he felt the dressing was too oily. I think the next time I make it I will add cranberries and less pepper.
  Then for the main dinner I made the Simple Lemon Herb Chicken submitted by Carolyn Stilwell. This chicken had a very good taste but I think I over cooked it because it was a bit tough. So next time I will watch more closely.
   Then to top off the night we are watching the National Championship football game. So some tortilla chips with homemade guacamole and salsa. I mike the guacamole with two avocados, about 1 1/2 teaspoons of mayo and sea salt to taste.

   Well that is today. We will see how tomorrow goes.

another day long since the last

Why I ever stoped writing I don't know. I haven't even read over the ones that I have wrote to see what I have written. I know one day I will write a book about my life and all that has happend in it. I really don't know who would read it, but I don't think that it would be for them... it would be more for me. You see I know I have a memory problem. No its not like I can't find my keys... though I do that too. Its more like I climbed a mountain in Korea with some friends and I don't remember it all. I know now I did do it cause a friend that I don't remember from Korea had a pic. of us all on top of that mountain.

Anyway, I know it has been a long time since I last wrote so a quick some up. I moved in with my friend Debbie. My ex-husband's bother divorced his wife at the same time my ex was divorcing me... She (Shannon) introduced me to Debbie. Between the two the saved my life. I had no job, no money and no way to take care of myself. Deddie let me live with her for 6 months and took care of me the whole time. Never asked a thing from me. She is a great woman.

I then met a guy..Erin (yes the spelling is right). A really nice guy. Things were odd though. He liked GI Joe, and comic books. But he had a great job and in his own way he seemed to really care for me. We became a couple. Sex was not that great, and truely became a bit of an issue. I tried to talk to him about it, how we could get a little help... but he never really tried. So we just don't have sex at all now... it has been over 7 months. I mintion it cause I know it is odd... but I really don't think I could find a man that only wanted it when I did. Most men want sex every week.... I am more like a couple times a month. And I am very picky... I never want to feel pressured, and I feel pressure very easily. Too easily. I don't know why.

The day he told me he loved me I was shocked... I really didn't know how to respond. I know I later told him I loveed him too, but I am not sure what kind of love I feel for him. We have been together for over a year and a half and I still don't feel the way I did with the other men I have loved. I am content in our relationship, but I don't feel like I can talk to him like a true friend or lover. I know it will not, should not last forever. But I will not do anything to change it cause I know I can't afford to make changes.

There are a few people that know how I feel, but what can they say. I make my bed. I sleep in it. We do things that make me happy. Once he took me to Macinaw Island. I had always wanted to go there. It was great. He took me to Chicago. That was a lot of fun as well. In December we are going on a Cruise with the Girls. Well I say the "Girls", but what I really mean is Chrissy for sure. Mickaela is another story.

You see around Mother's day This year Mickaela and I started disagreeing on a lot of stuff. She would fight with me on anything that had to do with her father. She was always trying to get involved with Mike and my bussiness, when she should have staied out. But Mike told her his side of each story and to her it just made me look worse. So he still says he was always helping me but he was just trouble. and my pride didn't help. And Lord forbid if his new wife got involved she was pure poison. So Mickaela stoped talking to me. And Nana, Mike's mom got very sick.

At first we thought she would loose her whole leg. Then it turned around and she only lost her big toe. But after she was in the hospital she couldn't get completely better. I talked dad and her to have her transprted to my place of work where they could give her good care and rehab. It was a great idea. but every time she was there she would be there for a couple days and then she would get sick again... back to the hospital. Back and forth she went about 4 or 5 times... the last time we knew it.... she wan't going to make it. Mike and I had a long talk and he said that he wouldn't keep me from seeing her at home.

As soon as he got to talk to his wife he said I could only come on certain days. Then it was only at certain hours. Before you knew it I really shouldn't or couldn't come at all. I did get to go by one time, and they all made things very uncomfortable for me. But I got to see mom before she pasted. I miss her so much. Rather I am going by a place that we used to go by often or I watch Survivor on TV, or maybe it is the food I feel I will never be able to eat again... I miss her so much.

so anyway.... I didn't talk to Mickaela all summer. The only times she said a workd to me was from behind a door and she was telling me to leave her and her family alone. I was heart broken. Really. I got paperwork for a change of child support and I figured I would have to hire a lawyer to get me though it, so I might as well take care of a few other things too. I need to be able to see Mickaela too... rather she wanted to or not. There was no sign that she would ever talk to me again. I would have to force it a bit.

Just after meeting with the lawyer and telling her what I want, but before anything started... Mickaela started talking to me again. After talking with her a bit I had to tell her the truth of what was coming. I didn't want to; I knew what would happen. And it did. As soon as I told her that I had talk to a lawyer, she told me again that she didn't want to ever talk to me again. I was so upset. I don't even know how to explain how it felt. To have her taken aways from me for so long then to just get a taste of her back to just have it taken away again.... it was horraible. I miss her so much.

Now her father and I have gone to court and I think that I have learned to swallow my pride... Mickaela spoke with me the other day and it was nice. I hope we can keep it going. I am making sure that she has a passport to go on the cruise in case she decides that she wants to go. But I will not be surprised if she doesn't come. Really I would be surprised it she does. Happy, but surprised.

Then I have a mix of feelings about her coming. If she comes... I don't want her to get mad at me. I want to give her plenty of space... but of corse I have to know where she is so I can know she is safe. I guess if she decides to go I will have her and I sit in front of her father and get an understanding down.

well I have to get going.

Part 3 All about me

So I was sent back down to the bay area in California to stay in a foster home. I was closer to Mike now and the foster parents I got were very nice. I was lucky. I went to another school. Mike was aloud to see me while I was at the foster home. He signed me out like a library book. On the weekends I could stay over night. With in a few months we decided to get married. I could get married in California with a parents consent, so I went to my father. He didn't want me to get married at 16. Who would want that for their child, but I really didn't give him a choice. I told him how I could run away to Wyoming and get married there with out his consent and he wouldn't be at the wedding, or he could agree and I could have a wedding in a church and have family and friends there. He saw it my way.
Oh there are so many things I wish I could do different... but that wedding was never one of them. It was beautiful, sweet and fun. Mike's uncle Kelly made my bouquet and a spare one for me to throw. I don't remember why but at the last min. I threw the real one instead. He was very unhappy with me about that. I wish I had never done that. I miss him. He was a great man. Mike's mother made the cake. The only bite of that cake I got was shoved in my face. To this day it was the best cake I have ever tasted. White with raspberry filling. Wow! Note she was always the greatest cook too. but anyway. We had our little wedding in a church with my father walking me down the isle. We drove off into the sunset towards Lake Tahoe where we stayed at an A Frame cabin. It was gorgeous.
I don't really remember the first time Mike hurt me, but I remember that it started while we where still on our honeymoon. He never actually hit me, but he would shove me down, or into things. He would cover my mouth and nose to get me to stop crying, but of course I couldn't breath either. I tried to leave him calmly once, but I woke up to the sound of a gunshot on the front porch. I got up; walked through the house, looking to see where it had come from; afraid that at any turn I would find him dead around the corner. I got to the front door, and looked through the peep hole, I saw a figure that I thought was him on a chair leaning over. I couldn't tell anything, I was sooo scared to open the door. But then I saw him move that proved to me he was alive. I opened the door and brought him in. I was so happy he was ok I didn't want to be the cause of his death. I didn't leave him then.
Things didn't get better. I finally decided I would have to leave him while he was gone. So I rented a room and got a friend to help me move out all in one night. That night I left my key in the room and slept the first night at my friends house. When I got into the room I sat on the floor, looked around, and I had no idea what I was going to do next. I couldn't see my life with out Mike. So I called him. I met him. And I went back to him. I wasn't gone 24 hours.
I lost our place to live. So we lived in his car for a little while. The amount of time is fuzzy, but to be honest... it was the greatest time of the marriage. It was him, me, and our dog. we were together all the time. I went with him to his work, and he would drop me off so I could do my job. But at night we would sit together and he would read books to me. Anything, any type really. It was great.
I left him again. I thought if I could move in with my father then I wouldn't sercome to his charm and my obsession with him again. This didn't work. My father and I have a hard time living together. And though things were going ok, two things were not. First Mike's birthday was coming and I had always been a sucker for a birthday. But His Uncle was dieing. I knew he didn't have much time. I wanted to see him so very much. I knew the only way I was going to see him was if I went back with Mike. So I did. And right away I went to see Kelly. He didn't deserve to die like that. I know he is in a greater place. God is taking care of him. This I know.
But now I was with Mike again. Time with one and nothing was different. But soon I got a chance to join the Army. I took the tests, and I did well. I was asked to be a helicopter mechanic. So I said yes. They offered me a chance to go to Rome right after training. I told them no cause I wanted to stay in the states to try to make my marriage work. I knew that if I left, it was over.
lol, come to find out, I am the dumbest person on the planet. No one ever gets a chance like that, not even after begging for thirty years. I let it go. And I still ended up getting orders to go to Korea. I will never forget the day my Drill Sargent gave me those.
There was a group of us in my room, when this tall black Drill Sargent came in. His presents could not be denied. He had a new look on his face, a sadder one then before. He knew little of my situation with my marriage, but by the looks of it maybe more then I knew. He told me he had my orders. I said, "just don't tell me I'm going to Korea, Drill Sargent," and he said, "you know you are, I'm sorry." I started to tear up before his words were out. so he cleared the room to give me some privacy. My marriage was over right then and there and I knew it. At that moment I began to morn my marriage. I had a good time with Mike after that, but nothing was serous anymore either. I was leaving and we all knew it. He tried so hard to hold on. He always did love me a little too much.

Heads Carolina, Tails California

So have you ever really thought about how there is a fine line between being very observant and paranoid? Oh its true. you know some times when you think "they" are talking about you... they really are. Sometimes it is your sixth sense that tells you to look in that direction and you catch two people whispering in a way or time that isn't normal. Yes they are most likely talking about you. You can either deal with it and get over it. Or you can be the paranoid one and check them on it. Oh I can assure you they will not admit to talking about you. But both parties will be thinking the same things; did she hear us?, can she really hear that good? , did I really talk loud enough?. Oh yes they will be more cautious.

So here I am in my own house on my daughter's 13th birthday party. There is two grandparents here, a sister, two friends, her dad, his girl friend, and me all here, and yet I am the only one that feels like I don't belong here. I know that is sad in a way. Ok maybe in all ways. But I am stubborn and I feel I should be here. I know she doesn't' care now if I am here or not, but maybe, just maybe in the years to come she will remember that I didn't leave. Maybe she will care someday. Maybe someday she will see how much I have done for her and the love I have for her. She means so very much to me.

Some times I just want to get out of here.....

ok, So I have given you a little of me in the past. But let us come a little closer to the me we know today. Let us go back to July.



Its mid July and I am living a normal life. I live with my husband of 13 years, our two great girls, ages 12 and 7, and my husband's parents. We have been in thw same house with them for ten years. I am not the happiest I have ever been but I know it will get better. Sooner or later it will get better. My Birthday was comming up in Aug. but we never really had much money to do anything. We came into a couple extra dollars and I got excited. I decided what I wanted for my birthday was to go out to the restrant that I like, see a movie and stay at a hotel with my husband and give him all the sex he would want. But he didn't seem as excited about this as I was. He tried to convince me to do a couple other things before he said "why don't you go home to California to see your family, you've haven't been home in a couple years?" I jumped up and gave him a big hug and was so excited that he loved me this much. I got on the computer right away before he changed his mind. A week later he said he want to go up north with a friend of his.

I was fine wiht this and asked no questions. It wasn't something he had really done before but I didn't think twice about it. I took my daughter to a slumber party and I went to work. When I left work I called my daughter to say good night but she didn't answer the cell phone we got her. Normally I was the one who would get all upset for her to not have it on her, but I decided that I was going to be extra nice. I went home and got on the computer and saw that one of her friends that were at the party was on the computer. And she sent me a message. "I'm sorry to hear about your divorce."

As you can imagine I was shocked. Try to stry with me on what was comming, it moved very fast.

So I told her I am not getting a divorce. She told me that my daughter told her other wise and that my daughter told her that she would live with her father. So I told her that I wasnted to talk to my daughter, but she told me that my daughter, lets call her Lisa, was not at the party any more. Lisa was now at her boyfriend's house. Lisa had called her dad and was given premission to go. So now I am going crazy. I don't have a number to reach my daughter. And I start calling my husband. I start yelling at him about what is being said and then getting all sorts of stories. There is a big fight about the fact that he really did say it was ok for her to stay at her boyfriend's house as well as told her not to tell me about it. He thought that I wouldn't know about it. Of corse he thought that I wasn't picking her up til after Church on Sunday, so really she was going to stay there for two days.



When he finally got home the next night. Cause he was in no hurry to talk about what was happening. He didn't care that I was at home not knowing if my marriage was over or not. All he cared about was himself. And of course the girl of 28 that he spent the night with. Of course he lied about that for a few days. Then he told me the truth. and two days later he started lieing about it again. As if I was going to forget that he said it. Anyway when he got home all he said is, "I am done." after all that we had gone through. This was the ending I got.

Well I haven't posted in the last couple days because I had to look for a job and then I broke my arm. Yes I know... after 36 years you would think I would know how to walk, but maybe not.
Then they continue to give me medicine that I didn't know that I was allergic to. It tool three times to find one that was good. Now I have have a bit of a hard time paying attention. I get sleepy and eyes get really heavy. SO will get back to my likfe story as soon as my brain is feeling better. Wish me luch.

Part 2 About Mee

So you can see that everything wasn't roses in my childhood. Don't get me wrong. At the time I really didn't think anything was wrong with my life. It was what it was. I lived it and I didn't know that life was suppose to be any different. I was happy. I had food, clothes, family, friends, and school, in my eyes I was a very lucky child. I always thought about the people in the world whom I knew was out there with nothing. We all heard about them, saw them from time to time on the streets, but I never knew anyone that lived on the streets. But the one thing I knew was that I didn't want to be one of them.

I want you to know that I have a brother. A great, sweet and adorable brother. My brother is almost three years older then me, though somehow I always felt that I would someday be taking care of him. I was not alone when my life was happening. But truly, I don't remember much of him around. My memory is going and I think I block some things out. I remember that my brother tried to kill himself at one point. He was sent to a place to get help. I remember visiting him once. I thought the place looked nice and my brother seemed happier. But until I became an adult we didn't talk much more.

There was a boy that lived across the street from my Aunt's house. Mike. Now I had met Mike a few years before when I was visiting my Aunt. Mike was considered trouble. He had been in and out of Juvenal hall for breaking and entering into other peoples homes. But John got a break and was sentenced to go on this thing they called a Vision Quest. It was a group of delinquents that did and old time wagon train. They would put up tepees at the end of the day and that is where they sleep. The next day they would pack everything up and get on the road with the wagons and go for miles and miles. I was young, and I found that to be exciting and interesting. Mike really was a sweet guy too.
Of course I wasn't' suppose to see Mike. I wasn't suppose to talk to him. But we were young and we knew everything they didn't. We were in Love. Mike would even break into our house in the middle of the night to come upstairs to my room and wake me and tell me he loves me. We didn't do anything. It really was all Innocent. But it made our love stronger. He got a car and put my name on the license plate. He would send me flowers and Candy. Boxes and boxes of Baby Ruth. That was my favorite. I can't stand them now. lol. He would buy me five pound bags of gummy bears. A certain type of card became our brand. And every time he got me a card he would spray Polo Cologne on it. He would even come to my school, and put cards in my locker. As soon as I opened the door to the hall, I knew I had a card waiting. It was the most romantic time of my life. He was my first true love.
Soon my Aunt got tougher about me not seeing him. So after a bit of studying we decided we would run away to Wyoming and get married. I said my goodbyes in a way to my friends. But I didn't want anyone to really know what was going on. But somehow while sitting in the last class at school I was called to the principles office. I waited, and waited, and I waited. Finally my Aunt walked in and I knew I was caught. As a punishment and a way to keep me away from Mike, I was sent three hours north to my Uncle's house.

This other Aunt and Uncle were very different then the others. They were a little older and had no children of their own. My Aunt did have some adult children that were from a prior marriage. They were also Mormons. Now I don't say this in a negative way. I learned to love their ways and I have very fond memories from living there. Had I been wise I would have stayed. They allowed Mike to come up to see me. I think they didn't think he would drive all that way, but he did. Many times he would come to see me. I still remember my 16Th birthday. We went to the pizza parlor and Mike showed up in my favorite outfit, white jeans and a turquoise shirt. He was so funny, he was so worried about getting his pants dirty that he brought his own towel from home to place on the seat.
The fact that Mike would drive all that way for me just made me love him that much more. My Aunt and Uncle was hoping that I would meet someone new. And I did try. I met a guy named Scott. He was a senior and was very liked at school. We lived out in the middle of nowhere and he had a car. But things didn't really work for too long. I did go to his prom with him and that was nice. Finally the day came when my Aunt and Uncle gave me an ultimatum. I either stay there with them and I have to give up Mike, or they will contact the social worker and I will go to a foster home. I was a very stubborn young lady and would never let someone back me into a corner; so I finished my exams and I was sent back down south into a foster home.