Part 3 All about me

So I was sent back down to the bay area in California to stay in a foster home. I was closer to Mike now and the foster parents I got were very nice. I was lucky. I went to another school. Mike was aloud to see me while I was at the foster home. He signed me out like a library book. On the weekends I could stay over night. With in a few months we decided to get married. I could get married in California with a parents consent, so I went to my father. He didn't want me to get married at 16. Who would want that for their child, but I really didn't give him a choice. I told him how I could run away to Wyoming and get married there with out his consent and he wouldn't be at the wedding, or he could agree and I could have a wedding in a church and have family and friends there. He saw it my way.
Oh there are so many things I wish I could do different... but that wedding was never one of them. It was beautiful, sweet and fun. Mike's uncle Kelly made my bouquet and a spare one for me to throw. I don't remember why but at the last min. I threw the real one instead. He was very unhappy with me about that. I wish I had never done that. I miss him. He was a great man. Mike's mother made the cake. The only bite of that cake I got was shoved in my face. To this day it was the best cake I have ever tasted. White with raspberry filling. Wow! Note she was always the greatest cook too. but anyway. We had our little wedding in a church with my father walking me down the isle. We drove off into the sunset towards Lake Tahoe where we stayed at an A Frame cabin. It was gorgeous.
I don't really remember the first time Mike hurt me, but I remember that it started while we where still on our honeymoon. He never actually hit me, but he would shove me down, or into things. He would cover my mouth and nose to get me to stop crying, but of course I couldn't breath either. I tried to leave him calmly once, but I woke up to the sound of a gunshot on the front porch. I got up; walked through the house, looking to see where it had come from; afraid that at any turn I would find him dead around the corner. I got to the front door, and looked through the peep hole, I saw a figure that I thought was him on a chair leaning over. I couldn't tell anything, I was sooo scared to open the door. But then I saw him move that proved to me he was alive. I opened the door and brought him in. I was so happy he was ok I didn't want to be the cause of his death. I didn't leave him then.
Things didn't get better. I finally decided I would have to leave him while he was gone. So I rented a room and got a friend to help me move out all in one night. That night I left my key in the room and slept the first night at my friends house. When I got into the room I sat on the floor, looked around, and I had no idea what I was going to do next. I couldn't see my life with out Mike. So I called him. I met him. And I went back to him. I wasn't gone 24 hours.
I lost our place to live. So we lived in his car for a little while. The amount of time is fuzzy, but to be honest... it was the greatest time of the marriage. It was him, me, and our dog. we were together all the time. I went with him to his work, and he would drop me off so I could do my job. But at night we would sit together and he would read books to me. Anything, any type really. It was great.
I left him again. I thought if I could move in with my father then I wouldn't sercome to his charm and my obsession with him again. This didn't work. My father and I have a hard time living together. And though things were going ok, two things were not. First Mike's birthday was coming and I had always been a sucker for a birthday. But His Uncle was dieing. I knew he didn't have much time. I wanted to see him so very much. I knew the only way I was going to see him was if I went back with Mike. So I did. And right away I went to see Kelly. He didn't deserve to die like that. I know he is in a greater place. God is taking care of him. This I know.
But now I was with Mike again. Time with one and nothing was different. But soon I got a chance to join the Army. I took the tests, and I did well. I was asked to be a helicopter mechanic. So I said yes. They offered me a chance to go to Rome right after training. I told them no cause I wanted to stay in the states to try to make my marriage work. I knew that if I left, it was over.
lol, come to find out, I am the dumbest person on the planet. No one ever gets a chance like that, not even after begging for thirty years. I let it go. And I still ended up getting orders to go to Korea. I will never forget the day my Drill Sargent gave me those.
There was a group of us in my room, when this tall black Drill Sargent came in. His presents could not be denied. He had a new look on his face, a sadder one then before. He knew little of my situation with my marriage, but by the looks of it maybe more then I knew. He told me he had my orders. I said, "just don't tell me I'm going to Korea, Drill Sargent," and he said, "you know you are, I'm sorry." I started to tear up before his words were out. so he cleared the room to give me some privacy. My marriage was over right then and there and I knew it. At that moment I began to morn my marriage. I had a good time with Mike after that, but nothing was serous anymore either. I was leaving and we all knew it. He tried so hard to hold on. He always did love me a little too much.

Heads Carolina, Tails California

So have you ever really thought about how there is a fine line between being very observant and paranoid? Oh its true. you know some times when you think "they" are talking about you... they really are. Sometimes it is your sixth sense that tells you to look in that direction and you catch two people whispering in a way or time that isn't normal. Yes they are most likely talking about you. You can either deal with it and get over it. Or you can be the paranoid one and check them on it. Oh I can assure you they will not admit to talking about you. But both parties will be thinking the same things; did she hear us?, can she really hear that good? , did I really talk loud enough?. Oh yes they will be more cautious.

So here I am in my own house on my daughter's 13th birthday party. There is two grandparents here, a sister, two friends, her dad, his girl friend, and me all here, and yet I am the only one that feels like I don't belong here. I know that is sad in a way. Ok maybe in all ways. But I am stubborn and I feel I should be here. I know she doesn't' care now if I am here or not, but maybe, just maybe in the years to come she will remember that I didn't leave. Maybe she will care someday. Maybe someday she will see how much I have done for her and the love I have for her. She means so very much to me.

Some times I just want to get out of here.....

ok, So I have given you a little of me in the past. But let us come a little closer to the me we know today. Let us go back to July.



Its mid July and I am living a normal life. I live with my husband of 13 years, our two great girls, ages 12 and 7, and my husband's parents. We have been in thw same house with them for ten years. I am not the happiest I have ever been but I know it will get better. Sooner or later it will get better. My Birthday was comming up in Aug. but we never really had much money to do anything. We came into a couple extra dollars and I got excited. I decided what I wanted for my birthday was to go out to the restrant that I like, see a movie and stay at a hotel with my husband and give him all the sex he would want. But he didn't seem as excited about this as I was. He tried to convince me to do a couple other things before he said "why don't you go home to California to see your family, you've haven't been home in a couple years?" I jumped up and gave him a big hug and was so excited that he loved me this much. I got on the computer right away before he changed his mind. A week later he said he want to go up north with a friend of his.

I was fine wiht this and asked no questions. It wasn't something he had really done before but I didn't think twice about it. I took my daughter to a slumber party and I went to work. When I left work I called my daughter to say good night but she didn't answer the cell phone we got her. Normally I was the one who would get all upset for her to not have it on her, but I decided that I was going to be extra nice. I went home and got on the computer and saw that one of her friends that were at the party was on the computer. And she sent me a message. "I'm sorry to hear about your divorce."

As you can imagine I was shocked. Try to stry with me on what was comming, it moved very fast.

So I told her I am not getting a divorce. She told me that my daughter told her other wise and that my daughter told her that she would live with her father. So I told her that I wasnted to talk to my daughter, but she told me that my daughter, lets call her Lisa, was not at the party any more. Lisa was now at her boyfriend's house. Lisa had called her dad and was given premission to go. So now I am going crazy. I don't have a number to reach my daughter. And I start calling my husband. I start yelling at him about what is being said and then getting all sorts of stories. There is a big fight about the fact that he really did say it was ok for her to stay at her boyfriend's house as well as told her not to tell me about it. He thought that I wouldn't know about it. Of corse he thought that I wasn't picking her up til after Church on Sunday, so really she was going to stay there for two days.



When he finally got home the next night. Cause he was in no hurry to talk about what was happening. He didn't care that I was at home not knowing if my marriage was over or not. All he cared about was himself. And of course the girl of 28 that he spent the night with. Of course he lied about that for a few days. Then he told me the truth. and two days later he started lieing about it again. As if I was going to forget that he said it. Anyway when he got home all he said is, "I am done." after all that we had gone through. This was the ending I got.

Well I haven't posted in the last couple days because I had to look for a job and then I broke my arm. Yes I know... after 36 years you would think I would know how to walk, but maybe not.
Then they continue to give me medicine that I didn't know that I was allergic to. It tool three times to find one that was good. Now I have have a bit of a hard time paying attention. I get sleepy and eyes get really heavy. SO will get back to my likfe story as soon as my brain is feeling better. Wish me luch.

Part 2 About Mee

So you can see that everything wasn't roses in my childhood. Don't get me wrong. At the time I really didn't think anything was wrong with my life. It was what it was. I lived it and I didn't know that life was suppose to be any different. I was happy. I had food, clothes, family, friends, and school, in my eyes I was a very lucky child. I always thought about the people in the world whom I knew was out there with nothing. We all heard about them, saw them from time to time on the streets, but I never knew anyone that lived on the streets. But the one thing I knew was that I didn't want to be one of them.

I want you to know that I have a brother. A great, sweet and adorable brother. My brother is almost three years older then me, though somehow I always felt that I would someday be taking care of him. I was not alone when my life was happening. But truly, I don't remember much of him around. My memory is going and I think I block some things out. I remember that my brother tried to kill himself at one point. He was sent to a place to get help. I remember visiting him once. I thought the place looked nice and my brother seemed happier. But until I became an adult we didn't talk much more.

There was a boy that lived across the street from my Aunt's house. Mike. Now I had met Mike a few years before when I was visiting my Aunt. Mike was considered trouble. He had been in and out of Juvenal hall for breaking and entering into other peoples homes. But John got a break and was sentenced to go on this thing they called a Vision Quest. It was a group of delinquents that did and old time wagon train. They would put up tepees at the end of the day and that is where they sleep. The next day they would pack everything up and get on the road with the wagons and go for miles and miles. I was young, and I found that to be exciting and interesting. Mike really was a sweet guy too.
Of course I wasn't' suppose to see Mike. I wasn't suppose to talk to him. But we were young and we knew everything they didn't. We were in Love. Mike would even break into our house in the middle of the night to come upstairs to my room and wake me and tell me he loves me. We didn't do anything. It really was all Innocent. But it made our love stronger. He got a car and put my name on the license plate. He would send me flowers and Candy. Boxes and boxes of Baby Ruth. That was my favorite. I can't stand them now. lol. He would buy me five pound bags of gummy bears. A certain type of card became our brand. And every time he got me a card he would spray Polo Cologne on it. He would even come to my school, and put cards in my locker. As soon as I opened the door to the hall, I knew I had a card waiting. It was the most romantic time of my life. He was my first true love.
Soon my Aunt got tougher about me not seeing him. So after a bit of studying we decided we would run away to Wyoming and get married. I said my goodbyes in a way to my friends. But I didn't want anyone to really know what was going on. But somehow while sitting in the last class at school I was called to the principles office. I waited, and waited, and I waited. Finally my Aunt walked in and I knew I was caught. As a punishment and a way to keep me away from Mike, I was sent three hours north to my Uncle's house.

This other Aunt and Uncle were very different then the others. They were a little older and had no children of their own. My Aunt did have some adult children that were from a prior marriage. They were also Mormons. Now I don't say this in a negative way. I learned to love their ways and I have very fond memories from living there. Had I been wise I would have stayed. They allowed Mike to come up to see me. I think they didn't think he would drive all that way, but he did. Many times he would come to see me. I still remember my 16Th birthday. We went to the pizza parlor and Mike showed up in my favorite outfit, white jeans and a turquoise shirt. He was so funny, he was so worried about getting his pants dirty that he brought his own towel from home to place on the seat.
The fact that Mike would drive all that way for me just made me love him that much more. My Aunt and Uncle was hoping that I would meet someone new. And I did try. I met a guy named Scott. He was a senior and was very liked at school. We lived out in the middle of nowhere and he had a car. But things didn't really work for too long. I did go to his prom with him and that was nice. Finally the day came when my Aunt and Uncle gave me an ultimatum. I either stay there with them and I have to give up Mike, or they will contact the social worker and I will go to a foster home. I was a very stubborn young lady and would never let someone back me into a corner; so I finished my exams and I was sent back down south into a foster home.

Do you ever have those moments?

Well its another day in my life. Really mine is no different then the millions before me. I have problems in my life just like you. We all feel so alone, but we are not. We are together in this lonely world. Most of us are looking for the same thing. A man or woman to hold and call our own. We want the love to feel new fifty years into it. Some of us want children some don't, but our love would want the dame things. We all want someone to make us laugh. Someone to make us smile no matter how sad the world looks. The Irish say it is friendship, love and loyalty. These are the things to make any relationship work.
Us girls are raised believing those sappy movies we all watch. You know the ones, were the man is a romantic heart throb, the girl has the perfect body. Does anyone have anything even close to that? A good man who works hard to make a good honest living. He comes home from times to time with an arm full of my favorite flowers. He tells me he is so in love with me and how he can't understand how he ever lived with out me. He kisses me good bye everyday before he lives for work. Our friends all love each other. The boys play cards or pool or something. And the girls get together for martiny night (or margaritas). He takes me out dancing, maybe he likes to dance maybe he doesn't, but he knows how much I love it, so he does it for me.
I make his favorite meal, and I even try to do it just the way him mom cooked it. He helps keep the house clean, and we share in the chores. He loves my children, and if he has any I love them too. I would even watch sports for this man.

I don't think this guy is perfect, I am not that foolish, I just think he is perfect for me. That is who I want. I feel everyone should find this person. I want my Imzadi.
Oh, Imzadi is a silly little name you might not know. But I bet you have experienced something close. Have you ever had that feeling when you love someone so much that saying "I love you" just isn't enough? Not even close? They are more then your soul mate, your beloved, your everything.... This is your Imzadi. We all have one. Only one. You might never even get to be with him or her. But they are out there. He is who I am searching for. He is who I will wait til my death for.
As a young foolish girl, first learning to love I made standards for myself that were lost in time. I was once strong and in control of my future. At some point I lost her. I let her go. Lately I have gotten a glimpse of her from across the room. I am going to get her back. I can get myself back. Not just for myself but my children. I have a daughter who is 12. I want her to see her mother as a person to look up to. I want her to say to herself, " I want to be like my mom." How great that would be.

One day I will have my cake and eat it too!

Just Me today

Well I know that I have started telling my life story, but I can't help but to tell a bit about what is going on today in my life. I dream of the perfect life. And though I know I didn't have it with my husband, I know I can't have it now that he is gone. Let me explain. I want my children with me where ever I am, and now that this has all happened in my life, I can't just move to another state or whatever and bring them with me. If I am to move from this hell hole of a state, I would have to leave them behind. I don't beleive that I could do that. I love them so very much.
I dream about going to Ireland. Meeting a nice guy and falling madly in love. But of course he would have to move here cause this is were my children are. I know this is not real, I know this can't happen. But it is my fantacy.

Well Mr. Perfect man for me... are you out there? I like all sorts of people. Can't I have my cake and eat it too?

Intro to me

Hello people,

I want to tell you my life story. I don't know where to start. But a wise person once said where better to start, but the beginning.

I grew up in California. I thought my life was perfect. We were not rich but we had everything to me. I still remember when the first razor blade was found in an apple at Halloween. Things got a little different after that, but time moved on. We moved around a lot, every year. But this was normal to me and my parents always told me I made friends real fast, and I believed them.

Finally my parents bought a house and I figured we would be staying there for a while. And we did. I was about 11 years old and I was happy. But one day my mom and dad asked my brother and I to come in to have a talk. And I just knew it. There were no "signs" or reasons, but I knew it just the same. They told us they weren't happy any more and they were going to separate for a while. But I was no fool, we all knew they would never be together again.

My mother moved onto the pull out couch for a little while, then she moved in with my friend and her mother. I decided to moved with her and I thought that would be great. But a lot of things happened in the next couple years. I had sex for the first time in my father's back yard. The boy was so popular. He broke up with his girlfriend just to go out with me and that made me feel special. Funny thing is she came to me and told me that he would come right back to her after he had sex with me. And she was right. And the sex was awful. I hated it. And I told my self if this is what sex was all about, then I didn't want anything to do with it. And it was almost 4 years before I tried it again.

My mother was doing drugs now. She tried to hide it, but the house was small. I didn't really care. My friend had a couple of abortions and she was only 14. And when my mother that normally wore Tampons, suddenly began wearing pads and acting a little different, I noticed the signs. I asked her on the phone. I couldn't believe she would have an abortion. This was my bother or sister. I was never more upset at my mother in my life. To me my mother could do no wrong, until now. I don't think I have ever gotten over that.

My Dad thought I was difficult. I don't remember why he felt that way, but once he took me to a home for troubled youth to show me how difficult it could be. I just laughed at him. This place was like the four seasons. I guess if your going to try to scare you child into submission, you should do your homework first.

One day I had done something wrong. I don't remember what it was but he decided to spank me for it. I was laying on him bed when he came in angry. I didn't want the punishment so I fought him. in the fight I got a black eye from my own knee. I got free and ran from there. My mother only lived a couple blocks away. The next day we were on the road to my grandparents house near LA.

Once again my mother couldn't just make it work. She wanted to go back. And on the way home; where ever that was going to be, my mother stoped in to see my Aunt and Uncle. Some how my Aunt convinced her that we were better off staying there "just until she got back on her feet." I have never lived with my mother again, I was 13.

I only heard from my mom a couple times after that. Once she even won some money from the lottery. But I guess she didn't think $10,000 was enough to be back on her feet. She kind of disappeared after that. We even tried to find her with no luck.

In the mean time we were living with my two cousins. One female, 16 and one boy about 8 years old. The were both used to getting anything they wanted but now that there were two more mouths to feed they didn't get as much. the female we will call Jill was the most spoiled of the two. She hated me for years. Because she was older them me, her mother would often make her hand me down he clothes. Jill never thought I was worthy of them nor did I take good enough care of them. My Aunt drank quite a bit too. And though I am grateful for all she did for me, I am not blind to what she didn't do to help. Though Jill normally hard very good grades and I had very bad grades I will never forget the one day I brought home a good report card. My Aunt was sitting at the breakfast table smoking her cigarette and drinking a glass of wine when Jill and I both came in. We both showed our report cards, and though Jill's was much worse then ever before she was told good job and keep up the good work. But to mine I was told I needed to do better. I asked my Aunt why Jill was given support and I was not; at which point her wine was thrown in my face and I was told never to compair myself to her daughter again. And I did not.

Jill's little brother was a typical little kid until the day he blamed me for something I never did. Let us call him Frank. Jill had been smoking in the house while her mother was at work. Normally she remembered to get rid of the evidence but she forgot on this day. They didn't smoke the same kind. And when my Aunt came home she noticed there were extra cigarette butts in the ash tray. When confronted my little cousin Frank said that I did it. I was shocked. I hadn't done anything to provoke this behavior. My Aunt decided that she was going to teach me a lesson. She pulled out a carten of cigarettes. She told me that I was to smoke them all. I really didn't think she would have me do it. I had smoked before, I didn't smoke any more and even when I did, it wasn't very much. So I lit the first one. My Aunt taunted me telling me I was lighting up like an old pro. I took a puff and she ordered me to inhale it. As soon as I let out the smoke she ordered me to inhale another, and another, and another. She wouldn't let me breath any oxygen. I began to get sick. I ran to the bathroom and got sick. She continued to hound me about the smoking thought I told her if I was the smoker I don't think the smoke would be that big of a deal. end of part one.